Spiralcat Entertainment > Editorial Articles > Austrian lakeside holiday

The Jaundiced View of the Austrian Strandbad Holiday

It's August 19^th and I just climbed out of a lake in Austria. Austria doesn't have a coastline, so when people want to lie down with a John Grisham or Rosamund Pilcher novel on their chest and cook, they go to the lakeside. All the good lakeside has been privatised and so you'll need a couple of euros to get in.

Lying on the grass instead of sand is very comfortable, as long as the locals haven't drunk too much and don't start singing. The smoking is another thing that might disturb. Smoking is allowed by anyone, anywhere at any time. You can be half way through a nice apple strudel in the restaurant when some guy half a meter away, they pack the tables in quite tight, lights up and you suddenly can't see the custard through the stinking cigar smoke billowing across the table. It's very unappetising and uncomfortable, but I would advise against asking him to stop, even until you've finished your pudding. The last time I tried it I was told that it was very impolite to suggest such a thing and indeed the old man was so shocked at the suggestion I worried that he was having a stroke, his poor eyes bulged out of his head and he made some kind of strangulated gurgle.

Even lying on your lilo on the grass in the sun you are not immune. Suddenly the giant red beer-belly next to you will be adorned with an ashtray and a column of smoke will be sent obscuring visibility across the compound.

I also have to warn you that there is a lot of wandering about involved in this very Austrian way of spending your Holiday. The mountain lake water is so cold and the centre of the continent sun is so hot that you can only stand either of them for about ten minutes at a time. You end up walking backwards and forwards from the sun lounger for ten minutes to the water for ten minutes and back again so often that you might as well have booked a hiking holiday.

On top of all this the weather can change quickly in the mountains and a sudden downpour can never be ruled out. As you cower under a parasol chewing on a frankfurter you might be forgiven for wondering if you would be better off in Scarborough, but then the sun comes out again and at the end of the day, before they shut at seven and chuck you out, when the shadows are getting longer and things have become peaceful and quiet it turns into a very beautiful holiday destination indeed.